At the age of ten you will be allowed
in the deep end. 52 inches will get you
on Thunder Mountain. You must be thirteen
with perfect vision to ride all-terrain vehicles.
Please, no unsupervised children. No idiots.
No mentally deranged wantons. We do allow
two siblings for the price of one on Wednesdays.
Eight Young-At-Heart's for the price of seven
on Sunday at 2 p.m. Please understand that
we cannot make exceptions. The rule is
you must be 6'2" with a chiseled profile
and brooding eyes. Size 32-C or larger to get
on the show. We do not accept coupons
or offer refunds. I sympathize
but just came out of surgery myself.
My kid is also sick. Are your eyes
at least two inches apart? We're really looking
for someone with a better sense of the absurd
who is naturally blonde. Don't feel bad,
we accept less than 1% of applicants.
Are you emancipated? On Atkins?
Have you checked all categories that apply?
Please don't call to hear your status.
The process is fully automated, so
you should receive your results in the mail.
Copyright © 2013 by Lauren Shapiro
All rights reserved.
Reproduced by Poetry Daily with permission