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what is the word for the realization that your language never lovedyou? you are a red thing / scattered, sad map ofsacrificial fires nightly appealingwhere is that word?it becomes necessary to signify the passing sound of friends whoswear fidelity to oneself and in the same exchange refuse the weightof one’s brother’s body, collapsed and dragged forward by its willto keep running. it becomes necessary to signify the smear, the oilof him slicked across blacktop, how at night he disperses in shineand gas. you think the word is [lapse]: the illusion to which oneclings to keep from being both crazy and american, disrupted. glitchand pixel–the eternally loading screen that is blackness waitingto be called other than absence of. lapse / lap, which is—for themother—a sign of the child having lived.maybe your friends cannot exist within the glitch.there are lapses of justice / of memory / of time before the body iscovered / before those left to mourn lapse into savagery, which thefriends say they (just) cannot abide. I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel
to break down and busy up the house next doorI hear them drone in my dead sleep hammeringmy head against the brick chest of a bright morningoutside one heaves his whole belly beneatha box full of toilet and another in the road yellsgotdamn his back hurts just watching and there’sa hole in the street beside him and inside thatanother white man and don’t you knowI don’t care who he is or where he’d rather beor how hungry his ragamuffins or how fucked uphis own toilet I want that hole to shuthim up and the asphalt to lick its lips and thatI don’t care what wanting this makes melooks like what they’ve called freedom I wantthese holes in my back shut up I want the deadboy inside me to bury white men alive yesall of them in his gut I snap the teeth of my blindsdown because don’t I know every white manhas a dead black child inside him burstingwith the desire to materialize in the streetas a manhole I want to keep someone safe I sayI used to feel safe and don’t mean it I sayif I eat them all I am a cradle forcradles but if I eat them all I am also justa city full of white men I am sick withrevitalization I am such a sepulchreif I eat them they will still be busy busy busyas a virus trying to keep me alive just as longas my body is the gracious host for theirbuildup which you know has beenthe longest breakdown gotdamnI say it too my back hurts just knowingwhat they wish it would still do